A Special Soul

Yesterday was the 6 year anniversary of my biological brother"s funeral. It was also the 6 year anniversary of the day I found myself expecting a child-and in no position to care for one. As a result, it was also the 6 year anniversary of the day I hit my knees and poured my soul out to my Father in Heaven. I was lost, broken, scared, and confused. Somehow I knew that He could make it better even though I had been going through the motions for so long.  My brother, and that sweet child"s spirit, derailed me from a fast track to destruction. No, that didn't mean I was suddenly perfect, and I still am not. What it did mean was I learned how important I thought the LDS church was. Also it meant that if I was to ever be with my brother and my mother again, or have the opportunity to be the mom that little girl would deserve, I had to shape up my act. Sometimes our prayers are answered unexpectedly. But isn't that the beauty of agency, and our Heavenly Father's plan?

I have been thinking about my brother, and the little girl I may still have the chance to raise someday, all weekend. Daryl was 29, but had all the development of a 12 year old. As a result of a brain tumor that had to be removed when he was 2 years old, he was not expected to live to be 5. The doctor operating on him, though careful he was, accidentally hit pieces of Daryl's brain that were important for human growth and development. It was a miracle to my family that we were blessed by his presence for so long. Though he had challenges his whole life, he never once stopped to question why this had happened to him. Being limited by mental and physical struggles never held him back from believing that it would get better for him someday. And he was convinced that the same was true for everyone else in the world. To me, my big brother was the epitome of  love. He knew the Truth that all of us are children of Divine birthright, that our Heavenly Parents had created us for a reason and they would never abandon us. His pure and simple testimony of this could be seen throughout everything he did. Even in the last years of his life, and the last months where he couldn't speak or even feed himself. My brother never missed the opportunity to take the Sacrament, and he never let anyone pass him by without changing their lives forever in some way. That is the kind of life I imagine the Savior led as well, one that I am continually striving for. Christ walked the earth He helped to create, and never missed the chance to love, serve, and teach, even as He was nailed to His cross to give us the gift of Life. Each part of Daryl's life will always remind me of the pure love our Heavenly Father and Savior have for us, and I pray that I can show that same love in all that I do.

Along similar lines, though I have not yet met my little Ashleigh Marie, I believe that when I do I will feel that same love in her spirit. I hope to meet her here on earth someday, and that if I do, I will be ready to be the kind of mother she needs. And if I do not meet her until the next life, I hope that any future children will still benefit from the blessings of God when I have the opportunity to raise them.

So what is my point with this somewhat sappy memorial post? My point is that Christlike Love can change the world. It can change my world. I thought it had once, but I did not understand it then. True, I did shape up my life 6 years ago...long enough to get me to the temple because I thought that would solve all my problems in the world ever. When it did not solve all my problems, I gave up and let the world be my solace. Because that sounded like a really fabulous idea. The world didn't make me hurt as much as the church did. At least, that is what I thought then. Now I realize that what hurt was the shame and secrecy of my addictions and my temptations. What hurt was the feeling that I had let down my Father in Heaven-the one Being in my life that I had been taught would always be there. Why would He always be there if I kept doing the same stupid things that were evil and wrong and would disappoint Him? Who would stay around even though I kept pushing away?

Guys. We are not evil and bad if we screw up. Satan gets a kick out of making us feel otherwise, and he will keep us there as long as we let him. If Christ can break the bonds of death, what can He not do? What...mistake, sin, loneliness, or pain is so beneath Him that He cannot reach? And why do we let satan tell us He won't reach? I testify that there is nothing He cannot heal. 7 months ago I showed up at Utah County Jail to report for 48 days of time after making the one mistake I swore I would never make-because that mistake would make me a monster and it would make me exactly like my biological father, who I hated with a fiery passion. But I am sitting here now, typing this, in an entirely different state of mind. He has made me new-I have callings and a temple recommend and I can pray in church and serve in the Gospel the way He would want me to. Because He loves me, He has not abandoned me like I believed He would-He has been patiently waiting for me to return to Him. My desires have changed, my values have resurfaced, and I cannot-no, will not- leave Him again. Turning my back on Him is not an option, because I know where that road leads, and I do not want to go there again. I've been blessed so much by His love and His Spirit, and like my biological brother, I believe it will get better someday and that everyone deserves to be called sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. Everyone has worth and is important to Him, and He will never leave. Just because we are all a little broken doesn"t make us bad. Our Light will never abandon us if we stay close to Him. This I know now, and I will serve and love and teach however He needs me too. He means everything to me now, and I am finally beginning to really see how Christlike Love can change the world and make everyone new in Him.

Always,
Leone

Counting Blessings

Hello there. I finally got a new keyboard and some time to post. But of course now my fingertips are so dry that it hurts to be typing. I guess housekeeping will do that to you. But this is not a complaining place. Especially this post. This post is about gratitude. I've never been so grateful for anything as I have been recently. A few months ago, when I was facing a possible disfellowshipping, I began to contemplate where I was going in my life. And I also began to seriously figure out what I believed.

I depended heavily on gratitude during this introspection. If I tried to think about my life without being grateful, all it accomplished was destroying what little self-esteem and confidence I had built up. Some days all I could be grateful for was that I was alive and well. Other days I had many things to be grateful for. There were even some days where I thought there was nothing at all to be grateful for, ever. But, because I had some people that I had made myself accountable to for gratitude lists, I always tried to look for a silver lining, even when there appeared to be none. This exercise in gratitude encouraged me to see God's hand in my life and ponder where I would be without Him. Throughout this time, I started to feel like the more I Iooked for the silver linings, the more I saw them. An added benefit was that I began to see my core values and the foundations of my testimony that still remain unshaken, though I sometimes lose or misplace those foundations.

Each of the blessings and silver linings I have seen over the last few months have served to remind me almost daily about the priviledge it is to live. I still struggle with understanding my worth and why He sticks around and allows other people to stick around in my life, but I am grateful that He has shown me so many tender mercies.

I am no longer afraid of learning who I am and trying to reach my potential. One sure foundation of my testimony is that He is more important to me than any worldly pleasures. He is my rock, my salvation, and my Redeemer.  This cycle I have lived in in my past was...a way for me to cope with my struggles and the negative things I always tell myself. My mistakes made the negative self talk okay, justified me feeling the way I felt, and I enjoyed that...validation and justification. Because I felt like no one cared enough to validate my feelings, I had to find things that would validate and reinforce that I was a terrible person and deserved to rot in misery.

As I have been healing and drawing closer to Him, I am realizing that I do not need to define myself by my mistakes. My mistakes come from being in this mortal existence and help me to stretch and grow; they are the things that help me to find myself and become the person my soul was born to be-the person that matches the spirit I was in Heaven. Counting my blessings reminds me that He is there and wants to love me, help me, and guide me back to Him. And He wants me to turn to Him and to love Him. He knows who I truly am and wants to help me reach that potential and be able to return to Him. For me, the best part is that I don't have to lose that relationship with Him. Instead of being disfellowshipped and losing that, He has given me another chance to become better and rise over my trials and struggles with Him as my Light. I am grateful for that blessing.

Always,
Leone

On Vulnerability

Ok guys. I am about to get super real and personal, just warning you.

I have been thinking about my faith and my testimony lately. Being on the brink of a possible disfellowshipping will do that to you. I'm so afraid, guys. Afraid of who I am going to be without the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. And afraid of the person I have been in the past when I am not listening to or using the gift of the Holy Ghost. Is this what Alma refers to when he talks about being cut off?

This is such a funny thing for me to be freaking out about. On paper it honestly doesn't really seem like a big deal, especially considering that a year ago I was getting ready to request that my name be removed from the church records. At that time, there were so many things confusing the heck out of me, I felt like I would never be a 'typical Mormon' with a family and kids due to my struggle with same gender attraction, and I was losing myself piece by broken piece. There was honestly no point in going on the way things were. My world was full of a deep, cloudy darkness that could never change. Countless times I picked up pencil and paper, wrote out my goodbyes, and even planned my escape from it all. Once I even came across an old bottle of Oxycodone and stared at it for 2 weeks, debating whether or not that night would be the one that I took the whole bottle and eased my way out of my miserable existence.

Fortunately for me, I got myself in trouble and found my way back to my faith, but somehow I am still struggling with so many things. I know that being LDS does not just...suddenly fix everything, I just don't think I realized how hard it is for me to keep kicking the adversary to the curb. God is with me, but if I somehow lose His constant companionship, it might be the death of me. I can't just...go through the motions anymore like I have in the past. It isn't enough for me now. But I don't really know how to truly turn everything over to Him. Maybe one day I will learn how to be that vulnerable.

Always,

Leone

Love is All.

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I am still learning, growing, and progressing, yet I also have so many anxieties and insecurities. Most of these come from the 'what-ifs' in life and the concerns for my future. Sometimes I think everything is great and I don't even pay attention to these things, but at other times it is all I can do to push them off till I can take the time to examine them. Thanksgiving was one of these things on the brink of uncertainty this year.

As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I got into some trouble a few months back. Due to the choices I made, I have had to learn how to live with some consequences. One of these consequences is court ordered probation. This has caused me many anxieties, particularly when it comes to being accepted by the people around me that I love. I nearly skipped Thanksgiving altogether because I was positive I would feel out of place and super awkward. However, I found some tiny thread of courage and joined my family. Now I am grateful that I did, but at the time I was sure I was an outcast and an embarrassment to them.

The cool thing about a family is the unique ability to rally around each other and be there for one another regardless of what is happening. It's not an easy thing to do, but somehow, good families manage it. This is what I learned at Thanksgiving: that a family can see the best parts of you even when you are in the midst of the dark. I am grateful for a loving and supportive family. Another awesome support system is a group of true friends, the people who know your struggles and choose to stick around even though they could leave you to trudge the muddy ravine alone. True friends are the ones who reach out to help you find that there is a way out. My support group of friends is ever expanding, and I don't have the words to describe how forever grateful I am that they show me His light by their examples and their strength.

This is a short post, but I just wanted to express my gratitude and love for all those who are sticking around during this portion of my life.

Always,
Leone

God is Love

I am learning much of the nature of God and His Angels. Often times when we think of angels, we think of Moroni or Gabriel or Michael. While these are indeed angels, they are not always the angels that come into our lives. Visions can, and do, happen, but we don't have regular occurences of angels dressed in white or seeing Christ. Sometimes though, we are ministered to by people God has sent into our lives. These people are also considered angels, I have learned. I've been so blessed in my life to come across some of these angels God has sent to me for friends, and I am so grateful for this.

In the midst of my darkest times, I have been reminded that He still cares. Recently I was struggling with a deep, dark depression and some days were just too hard. The struggle is real, even though we may not always see it. During this time, there was not much that could convince me of a higher power or a Supreme Being. If there was indeed such a thing, I was sure He could never look at me again, would never love me. How could He, when I was the one monster I despised above all? What kind of God could love the girl who so willingly was turning her back on all she knew, to live a life of wordly happiness? When I looked in the mirror, all I could see was a screw-up, someone who didn't respect her God and the knowledge He had bestowed upon her enough to even think about talking to Him. I was so far gone, so far into the dark that I didn't even recognize myself. So how could God recognize me or bear to look upon me?

Since then I've discovered that my God is a God of love, mercy, and peace. His Son has already paid that price. I testify that there is nowhere so dark that God can't, or won't find us. No matter how much we run or hide, God will keep looking. He cannot be with us at every moment of every day, He has millions of children that need Him. But He does send angels to reach out and share His love. Sometimes we don't recognize them until after we find His love and grace again, and sometimes we may be that angel for others. Angels are real, God is Love, and His Gospel can help us find our way back to Him regardless of what we have done or how insignificant we might feel. Truth is, sometimes we just don't realize how 'good' God is until we really see how 'bad' satan is. Satan is a pretty scary dude sometimes, and so easy to listen to. The cool thing is, God is a thousand times(at least) more merciful and loving than satan is scary. And, a lot more amazing to listen to.

Always,
Leone

Flickering Hope

Hope is sometimes a funny thing. When everything looks bleak and dark, it is hard to find the hope. Sometimes the world seems to be closing in, slowly crushing us under its weight. In moments like these, we just want to curl up in a ball and hide. And yet the hiding doesn't fix anything. Rather, the hiding allows the distance between us and God to increase. I am especially good at hiding and isolating. At times, I shove all the feelings and emotions of life to a dark, dusty corner of my brain, out of sight and out of mind. Doing this allows me to be 'okay` for a time, but slowly the feelings make their way back out from their corner. The illusion of being okay is something we all do. On a bad day, we use the generic`I am good, you?' with everyone we see-sometiimes even our closest friends. Honestly though, a close friend, or even someone really in tune with the Spirit, can see through that. What's more, we cannot hide our feelings from God. So, why do we try? Why, with the One who sees through all our facades and loves us eternally, do we run and hide? Is it a matter of trusting Him, or is it a matter of insecurity?

I bring this up because I spent a really long time doing just that, and sometimes it still seems easier. Sometimes I get complacent in my prayers and scripture study, and slowly the crack in my foundation becomes a gaping hole, and what comes in to fill the hole is sometimes the wrong thing. Three years ago, a crack began in my foundation, and in March of this year, that crack became a hole. Not that I realized the hole was there until 6 months later, after I had already gone through some of the consequences of the tangled web I had weaved. Throughout the summer, there was no hope in my life at all. Instead of turning to the One who could heal, I listened to the lying voice of satan, and became convinced that there was no way back this time. This caused me to isolate even further, and it got to a point where nothing, and no one, could convince me that I wouldn`t be condemned to spend the rest of forever in purgatory. There was no light, no mercy, no grace that would ever reach me again; I was nothing more than a monster that deserved to rot in Hell. So what did I do? Well, I hid. During this time, I removed myself as far as I could from the Light, because I did not deserve it.

But, even as I was hiding, God reached out His hand still, waited for me to see that I was not alone and that He still loved me. He didn't just...wait for me, though. No; He blessed me with a couple of angels for friends. God knew what I needed, and He provided a way for me to receive it. I didn't realize that was what was happening at first. In fact, at first I tried to push my angels away, but they were pretty stubborn. Even when I was not feeling particularly social, and didn't want people to show me any form of love, these angels kept at it. By the time I realized what was happening, God had not only blessed me with these angels, but they had become my friends. That was when the hope came. After these angels became my friends, I realized that God had allowed me to be in a situation where I could feel safe being open and real. The fact that He provided that for me in a way He knew I would understand made me think twice about His love. Once I began to think about what was happening, I began to see His hand in a lot of things, and then I was able to start believing He really still was there. Hope was taking root in my heart.

The clincher came in the middle of September though. I finally felt brave enough and strong enough to share my feelings with Him, and He was right there, ready to listen and ready to heal. When He wrapped His arms around me, my last few walls began to crumble. Feeling His willingness to love me even in my darkest depths changed the way I see Him, and changed the way I viewed the trial I was going through. It also began my transition from believing that He was there to KNOWING that He is there. I didn't really notice the transition, but yesterday my friend asked me if I could see any other way to have gotten to where I am now, and the truth is, no. There is no other way. God IS the way, the truth, and the light that will lead us home via the way He has provided for us to return.

I wish I could say that I am completely healed and entirely fixed, but that is not the case. My addictions, temptations, and mental illnesses are still very much a part of me and I am going to have to live with them. In fact, just today I realized that same gender attraction doesn't just...disappear. Just because I made the decision to never fall for one of my friends again, after losing my best friend for that reason, doesn't mean I will be free of the possibility. But it is easier to resist the temptations and the desires to act upon the attractions if and when they come. And the hope that I will someday be perfected in Him, if I strive to live the gospel, is what keeps me going and allows me to pray that I will continue to be strong. Friends, hope is what allows me to believe.

Always,
Leone

Truth...With a Capital T

Today has been a day of wonders for me. I was able to stand and bear my testimony for the first time in a long time. It had been so long that I actually had forgotten how good it feels to be so certain that my Father in Heaven and my brother Jesus Christ love me. During the last few months I have been so sure that my testimony was beyond repair. But as I have been working my way back to the Fold after my reality check, I have been finding the pieces and putting them back together. Yes, I still struggle with some of the pieces; I struggle with scriptures, prayer, and sometimes even church itself. The cool thing though, is that the pieces I have found are perfect for grounding myself and pushing forward with faith.

Declaring the Truths of my Father in Heaven and my brother Jesus Christ made it almost...real again. Often I forget the things I know, and when that happens, my doubts creep in and grow, making everything terribly hard. Losing faith in my knowledge allows the adversary to get his foot in the door. Once he gets the smallest inch, he takes off, determined to destroy my peace and happiness. That inch quickly becomes a mile as he embellishes my doubts and insecurities. Eventually the doubts reach an alarming power that overwhelms me and makes me feel that there is no point in trying anymore. This overwhelming helplessness is not something that just...goes away, especially in my moments of darkness and despair that come with depression and bipolar disorder. In fact, this helplessness actually adds to the anxiety and debhilitating sadness that sometimes still exists even with the depression under control.

Knowing that I am a daughter of God is a surefire way to counter that helplessness and powerlessness. Being a daughter of God means that I have strength on my side that I can't even fathom. My Father in Heaven loves me, so much that He sent His son to pay the price of everything that I go through on earth. Christ knows what it is like to have crushing depression and raging anxiety. He knows that sometimes, I can't do it. The Atonement of Christ provides a way to return to the basic Truths of His Gospel.  I am so grateful that They know me that well. They know me so well that even in my darkest times, They can reach me. Even when I bring sorrow, trials, and afflictions upon myself, They are always waiting for me, looking for me, and reminding me that no matter what the father of lies tries to tell me, I AM WORTH IT. If I ask, I receive. When I tell my Father in Heaven that I really just need a hug, and ask Him for one, He gives me one; no questions or judgments. All He wants is for me to feel His love and know my worth as I learn, grow, and progress down the path that leads me back to His arms.

Truth is different than truth. Tonight I share the Truths that God is our Father and Christ is our brother. They love us with a love we cannot fathom, and if we allow them to show us that love, we begin to understand who They are and why They are important, and ought to be central to the lives we live. God sent His son to die, that we might live. This Gift is precious, and provides the way back to Him. Friends, no one is exempt from the healing power of Christ's Atonement and the very real love of our Father in Heaven. This kind of love is the answer to everything. If we love God and allow Him to love us in return, we will see what He sees, and He will guide and direct our paths. Nothing is below this power. I'm finally beginnning to learn these Truths, and I no longer need to categorize them in the 'truth' category. I no longer believe or speculate the truth of these teachings, for I know without a doubt. My experiences have taught me that this is Truth. And through my experiences, I have been 'awakened to God' (Alma 5:7), and I have felt to 'sing the song of redeeming love' (Alma 5:26). As I strive to live up to the things I am learning, I pray I will continue to feel the desire to be better; the desire to reach my fullest potential.

Always,
Leone