Counting Blessings

Hello there. I finally got a new keyboard and some time to post. But of course now my fingertips are so dry that it hurts to be typing. I guess housekeeping will do that to you. But this is not a complaining place. Especially this post. This post is about gratitude. I've never been so grateful for anything as I have been recently. A few months ago, when I was facing a possible disfellowshipping, I began to contemplate where I was going in my life. And I also began to seriously figure out what I believed.

I depended heavily on gratitude during this introspection. If I tried to think about my life without being grateful, all it accomplished was destroying what little self-esteem and confidence I had built up. Some days all I could be grateful for was that I was alive and well. Other days I had many things to be grateful for. There were even some days where I thought there was nothing at all to be grateful for, ever. But, because I had some people that I had made myself accountable to for gratitude lists, I always tried to look for a silver lining, even when there appeared to be none. This exercise in gratitude encouraged me to see God's hand in my life and ponder where I would be without Him. Throughout this time, I started to feel like the more I Iooked for the silver linings, the more I saw them. An added benefit was that I began to see my core values and the foundations of my testimony that still remain unshaken, though I sometimes lose or misplace those foundations.

Each of the blessings and silver linings I have seen over the last few months have served to remind me almost daily about the priviledge it is to live. I still struggle with understanding my worth and why He sticks around and allows other people to stick around in my life, but I am grateful that He has shown me so many tender mercies.

I am no longer afraid of learning who I am and trying to reach my potential. One sure foundation of my testimony is that He is more important to me than any worldly pleasures. He is my rock, my salvation, and my Redeemer.  This cycle I have lived in in my past was...a way for me to cope with my struggles and the negative things I always tell myself. My mistakes made the negative self talk okay, justified me feeling the way I felt, and I enjoyed that...validation and justification. Because I felt like no one cared enough to validate my feelings, I had to find things that would validate and reinforce that I was a terrible person and deserved to rot in misery.

As I have been healing and drawing closer to Him, I am realizing that I do not need to define myself by my mistakes. My mistakes come from being in this mortal existence and help me to stretch and grow; they are the things that help me to find myself and become the person my soul was born to be-the person that matches the spirit I was in Heaven. Counting my blessings reminds me that He is there and wants to love me, help me, and guide me back to Him. And He wants me to turn to Him and to love Him. He knows who I truly am and wants to help me reach that potential and be able to return to Him. For me, the best part is that I don't have to lose that relationship with Him. Instead of being disfellowshipped and losing that, He has given me another chance to become better and rise over my trials and struggles with Him as my Light. I am grateful for that blessing.

Always,
Leone