Flickering Hope

Hope is sometimes a funny thing. When everything looks bleak and dark, it is hard to find the hope. Sometimes the world seems to be closing in, slowly crushing us under its weight. In moments like these, we just want to curl up in a ball and hide. And yet the hiding doesn't fix anything. Rather, the hiding allows the distance between us and God to increase. I am especially good at hiding and isolating. At times, I shove all the feelings and emotions of life to a dark, dusty corner of my brain, out of sight and out of mind. Doing this allows me to be 'okay` for a time, but slowly the feelings make their way back out from their corner. The illusion of being okay is something we all do. On a bad day, we use the generic`I am good, you?' with everyone we see-sometiimes even our closest friends. Honestly though, a close friend, or even someone really in tune with the Spirit, can see through that. What's more, we cannot hide our feelings from God. So, why do we try? Why, with the One who sees through all our facades and loves us eternally, do we run and hide? Is it a matter of trusting Him, or is it a matter of insecurity?

I bring this up because I spent a really long time doing just that, and sometimes it still seems easier. Sometimes I get complacent in my prayers and scripture study, and slowly the crack in my foundation becomes a gaping hole, and what comes in to fill the hole is sometimes the wrong thing. Three years ago, a crack began in my foundation, and in March of this year, that crack became a hole. Not that I realized the hole was there until 6 months later, after I had already gone through some of the consequences of the tangled web I had weaved. Throughout the summer, there was no hope in my life at all. Instead of turning to the One who could heal, I listened to the lying voice of satan, and became convinced that there was no way back this time. This caused me to isolate even further, and it got to a point where nothing, and no one, could convince me that I wouldn`t be condemned to spend the rest of forever in purgatory. There was no light, no mercy, no grace that would ever reach me again; I was nothing more than a monster that deserved to rot in Hell. So what did I do? Well, I hid. During this time, I removed myself as far as I could from the Light, because I did not deserve it.

But, even as I was hiding, God reached out His hand still, waited for me to see that I was not alone and that He still loved me. He didn't just...wait for me, though. No; He blessed me with a couple of angels for friends. God knew what I needed, and He provided a way for me to receive it. I didn't realize that was what was happening at first. In fact, at first I tried to push my angels away, but they were pretty stubborn. Even when I was not feeling particularly social, and didn't want people to show me any form of love, these angels kept at it. By the time I realized what was happening, God had not only blessed me with these angels, but they had become my friends. That was when the hope came. After these angels became my friends, I realized that God had allowed me to be in a situation where I could feel safe being open and real. The fact that He provided that for me in a way He knew I would understand made me think twice about His love. Once I began to think about what was happening, I began to see His hand in a lot of things, and then I was able to start believing He really still was there. Hope was taking root in my heart.

The clincher came in the middle of September though. I finally felt brave enough and strong enough to share my feelings with Him, and He was right there, ready to listen and ready to heal. When He wrapped His arms around me, my last few walls began to crumble. Feeling His willingness to love me even in my darkest depths changed the way I see Him, and changed the way I viewed the trial I was going through. It also began my transition from believing that He was there to KNOWING that He is there. I didn't really notice the transition, but yesterday my friend asked me if I could see any other way to have gotten to where I am now, and the truth is, no. There is no other way. God IS the way, the truth, and the light that will lead us home via the way He has provided for us to return.

I wish I could say that I am completely healed and entirely fixed, but that is not the case. My addictions, temptations, and mental illnesses are still very much a part of me and I am going to have to live with them. In fact, just today I realized that same gender attraction doesn't just...disappear. Just because I made the decision to never fall for one of my friends again, after losing my best friend for that reason, doesn't mean I will be free of the possibility. But it is easier to resist the temptations and the desires to act upon the attractions if and when they come. And the hope that I will someday be perfected in Him, if I strive to live the gospel, is what keeps me going and allows me to pray that I will continue to be strong. Friends, hope is what allows me to believe.

Always,
Leone