This Is Me

Learning to love and accept ourselves is sometimes a difficult task. From the time we are born, we are generally loved and accepted by our family and our parents. As we grow older, we find friends and other people to spend time with and be around. This is the basic life of everyone who has ever, or will ever live upon this earth. But growing up requires learning, and often we are taught that if we are not exactly who or what we should be then we are wrong or inadequate. The world teaches women that we ought to be size 0 and flawless in every way. If we are religious, we are taught that we are to become perfect through Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. When we fall short of these expectations, we feel as though we have failed. I would like to address that in this blog, because I, like all of you, am human and continually fall short of the expectations I have placed on myself or grown up with.

I am a 29 year old LDS woman, and I struggle with depression, ADHD, anxiety, Bipolar 2, and addictions.  Also, I have recently been trying to rise from an incredibly challenging 'rock bottom'; one where I found myself in trouble because of a particularly unfortunate stint of weakness and loneliness. During these challenges, I have felt incredible guilt, shame, anger, and hopelessness. My soul has been dark and black at times, and light and happy at other times. Countless times I have been in so much pain that I have considered the most effective way to just...end. Today I find myself grateful for all those that have helped me and loved me through this journey-without them, I would not have come this far.

By way of further introduction, I have also found myself to be struggling with same gender attraction and a general unwillingness to trust men. The distrust began from an early age, and has not yet healed. In fact, the distrust has rather...expanded...to a very negative view of men, intimacy, and marriage. Throughout my life, I have in fact, found myself feeling closer to women then I think I will ever be to men. And yet, even in this, I find myself feeling unsettled and inadequate. This inadequacy comes from a feeling that I will never be able to enjoy what one might call a traditional  marriage, that I will never be able to be the mother that I want to be. How can I be a mother when I cannot love myself, let alone a man?

As I struggle through my feelings of inadequacy and discouragement, I would like to share my story and the light that comes from knowing that I am a daughter of God, and that somehow, some way, everything will eventually work out in the end. I am where I am today because my Heavenly Father has saved my life countless times, coming again and again to remind me that I am loved, and that the despair and hopelessness can be conquered, in and through Him who sent His Son to pay the price of the mistakes, shortcomings, loneliness, and otherwise stupid or unfortunate things that we humans have to go through. Not just mine, but yours, and everyone who has lived or will live upon His earth. My friends, God and Christ are real. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a gift He has given us so that we can have help with the hard times and the struggles. His Atonement is what allows us to become better in Him, and return to His home in Heaven. It is my hope that this blog will be of help to even one person somewhere out there, and assist in showing the great and glorious goodness of our Father and His Son.

Always,
Leone