Love is All.

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. I am still learning, growing, and progressing, yet I also have so many anxieties and insecurities. Most of these come from the 'what-ifs' in life and the concerns for my future. Sometimes I think everything is great and I don't even pay attention to these things, but at other times it is all I can do to push them off till I can take the time to examine them. Thanksgiving was one of these things on the brink of uncertainty this year.

As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I got into some trouble a few months back. Due to the choices I made, I have had to learn how to live with some consequences. One of these consequences is court ordered probation. This has caused me many anxieties, particularly when it comes to being accepted by the people around me that I love. I nearly skipped Thanksgiving altogether because I was positive I would feel out of place and super awkward. However, I found some tiny thread of courage and joined my family. Now I am grateful that I did, but at the time I was sure I was an outcast and an embarrassment to them.

The cool thing about a family is the unique ability to rally around each other and be there for one another regardless of what is happening. It's not an easy thing to do, but somehow, good families manage it. This is what I learned at Thanksgiving: that a family can see the best parts of you even when you are in the midst of the dark. I am grateful for a loving and supportive family. Another awesome support system is a group of true friends, the people who know your struggles and choose to stick around even though they could leave you to trudge the muddy ravine alone. True friends are the ones who reach out to help you find that there is a way out. My support group of friends is ever expanding, and I don't have the words to describe how forever grateful I am that they show me His light by their examples and their strength.

This is a short post, but I just wanted to express my gratitude and love for all those who are sticking around during this portion of my life.

Always,
Leone

God is Love

I am learning much of the nature of God and His Angels. Often times when we think of angels, we think of Moroni or Gabriel or Michael. While these are indeed angels, they are not always the angels that come into our lives. Visions can, and do, happen, but we don't have regular occurences of angels dressed in white or seeing Christ. Sometimes though, we are ministered to by people God has sent into our lives. These people are also considered angels, I have learned. I've been so blessed in my life to come across some of these angels God has sent to me for friends, and I am so grateful for this.

In the midst of my darkest times, I have been reminded that He still cares. Recently I was struggling with a deep, dark depression and some days were just too hard. The struggle is real, even though we may not always see it. During this time, there was not much that could convince me of a higher power or a Supreme Being. If there was indeed such a thing, I was sure He could never look at me again, would never love me. How could He, when I was the one monster I despised above all? What kind of God could love the girl who so willingly was turning her back on all she knew, to live a life of wordly happiness? When I looked in the mirror, all I could see was a screw-up, someone who didn't respect her God and the knowledge He had bestowed upon her enough to even think about talking to Him. I was so far gone, so far into the dark that I didn't even recognize myself. So how could God recognize me or bear to look upon me?

Since then I've discovered that my God is a God of love, mercy, and peace. His Son has already paid that price. I testify that there is nowhere so dark that God can't, or won't find us. No matter how much we run or hide, God will keep looking. He cannot be with us at every moment of every day, He has millions of children that need Him. But He does send angels to reach out and share His love. Sometimes we don't recognize them until after we find His love and grace again, and sometimes we may be that angel for others. Angels are real, God is Love, and His Gospel can help us find our way back to Him regardless of what we have done or how insignificant we might feel. Truth is, sometimes we just don't realize how 'good' God is until we really see how 'bad' satan is. Satan is a pretty scary dude sometimes, and so easy to listen to. The cool thing is, God is a thousand times(at least) more merciful and loving than satan is scary. And, a lot more amazing to listen to.

Always,
Leone

Flickering Hope

Hope is sometimes a funny thing. When everything looks bleak and dark, it is hard to find the hope. Sometimes the world seems to be closing in, slowly crushing us under its weight. In moments like these, we just want to curl up in a ball and hide. And yet the hiding doesn't fix anything. Rather, the hiding allows the distance between us and God to increase. I am especially good at hiding and isolating. At times, I shove all the feelings and emotions of life to a dark, dusty corner of my brain, out of sight and out of mind. Doing this allows me to be 'okay` for a time, but slowly the feelings make their way back out from their corner. The illusion of being okay is something we all do. On a bad day, we use the generic`I am good, you?' with everyone we see-sometiimes even our closest friends. Honestly though, a close friend, or even someone really in tune with the Spirit, can see through that. What's more, we cannot hide our feelings from God. So, why do we try? Why, with the One who sees through all our facades and loves us eternally, do we run and hide? Is it a matter of trusting Him, or is it a matter of insecurity?

I bring this up because I spent a really long time doing just that, and sometimes it still seems easier. Sometimes I get complacent in my prayers and scripture study, and slowly the crack in my foundation becomes a gaping hole, and what comes in to fill the hole is sometimes the wrong thing. Three years ago, a crack began in my foundation, and in March of this year, that crack became a hole. Not that I realized the hole was there until 6 months later, after I had already gone through some of the consequences of the tangled web I had weaved. Throughout the summer, there was no hope in my life at all. Instead of turning to the One who could heal, I listened to the lying voice of satan, and became convinced that there was no way back this time. This caused me to isolate even further, and it got to a point where nothing, and no one, could convince me that I wouldn`t be condemned to spend the rest of forever in purgatory. There was no light, no mercy, no grace that would ever reach me again; I was nothing more than a monster that deserved to rot in Hell. So what did I do? Well, I hid. During this time, I removed myself as far as I could from the Light, because I did not deserve it.

But, even as I was hiding, God reached out His hand still, waited for me to see that I was not alone and that He still loved me. He didn't just...wait for me, though. No; He blessed me with a couple of angels for friends. God knew what I needed, and He provided a way for me to receive it. I didn't realize that was what was happening at first. In fact, at first I tried to push my angels away, but they were pretty stubborn. Even when I was not feeling particularly social, and didn't want people to show me any form of love, these angels kept at it. By the time I realized what was happening, God had not only blessed me with these angels, but they had become my friends. That was when the hope came. After these angels became my friends, I realized that God had allowed me to be in a situation where I could feel safe being open and real. The fact that He provided that for me in a way He knew I would understand made me think twice about His love. Once I began to think about what was happening, I began to see His hand in a lot of things, and then I was able to start believing He really still was there. Hope was taking root in my heart.

The clincher came in the middle of September though. I finally felt brave enough and strong enough to share my feelings with Him, and He was right there, ready to listen and ready to heal. When He wrapped His arms around me, my last few walls began to crumble. Feeling His willingness to love me even in my darkest depths changed the way I see Him, and changed the way I viewed the trial I was going through. It also began my transition from believing that He was there to KNOWING that He is there. I didn't really notice the transition, but yesterday my friend asked me if I could see any other way to have gotten to where I am now, and the truth is, no. There is no other way. God IS the way, the truth, and the light that will lead us home via the way He has provided for us to return.

I wish I could say that I am completely healed and entirely fixed, but that is not the case. My addictions, temptations, and mental illnesses are still very much a part of me and I am going to have to live with them. In fact, just today I realized that same gender attraction doesn't just...disappear. Just because I made the decision to never fall for one of my friends again, after losing my best friend for that reason, doesn't mean I will be free of the possibility. But it is easier to resist the temptations and the desires to act upon the attractions if and when they come. And the hope that I will someday be perfected in Him, if I strive to live the gospel, is what keeps me going and allows me to pray that I will continue to be strong. Friends, hope is what allows me to believe.

Always,
Leone

Truth...With a Capital T

Today has been a day of wonders for me. I was able to stand and bear my testimony for the first time in a long time. It had been so long that I actually had forgotten how good it feels to be so certain that my Father in Heaven and my brother Jesus Christ love me. During the last few months I have been so sure that my testimony was beyond repair. But as I have been working my way back to the Fold after my reality check, I have been finding the pieces and putting them back together. Yes, I still struggle with some of the pieces; I struggle with scriptures, prayer, and sometimes even church itself. The cool thing though, is that the pieces I have found are perfect for grounding myself and pushing forward with faith.

Declaring the Truths of my Father in Heaven and my brother Jesus Christ made it almost...real again. Often I forget the things I know, and when that happens, my doubts creep in and grow, making everything terribly hard. Losing faith in my knowledge allows the adversary to get his foot in the door. Once he gets the smallest inch, he takes off, determined to destroy my peace and happiness. That inch quickly becomes a mile as he embellishes my doubts and insecurities. Eventually the doubts reach an alarming power that overwhelms me and makes me feel that there is no point in trying anymore. This overwhelming helplessness is not something that just...goes away, especially in my moments of darkness and despair that come with depression and bipolar disorder. In fact, this helplessness actually adds to the anxiety and debhilitating sadness that sometimes still exists even with the depression under control.

Knowing that I am a daughter of God is a surefire way to counter that helplessness and powerlessness. Being a daughter of God means that I have strength on my side that I can't even fathom. My Father in Heaven loves me, so much that He sent His son to pay the price of everything that I go through on earth. Christ knows what it is like to have crushing depression and raging anxiety. He knows that sometimes, I can't do it. The Atonement of Christ provides a way to return to the basic Truths of His Gospel.  I am so grateful that They know me that well. They know me so well that even in my darkest times, They can reach me. Even when I bring sorrow, trials, and afflictions upon myself, They are always waiting for me, looking for me, and reminding me that no matter what the father of lies tries to tell me, I AM WORTH IT. If I ask, I receive. When I tell my Father in Heaven that I really just need a hug, and ask Him for one, He gives me one; no questions or judgments. All He wants is for me to feel His love and know my worth as I learn, grow, and progress down the path that leads me back to His arms.

Truth is different than truth. Tonight I share the Truths that God is our Father and Christ is our brother. They love us with a love we cannot fathom, and if we allow them to show us that love, we begin to understand who They are and why They are important, and ought to be central to the lives we live. God sent His son to die, that we might live. This Gift is precious, and provides the way back to Him. Friends, no one is exempt from the healing power of Christ's Atonement and the very real love of our Father in Heaven. This kind of love is the answer to everything. If we love God and allow Him to love us in return, we will see what He sees, and He will guide and direct our paths. Nothing is below this power. I'm finally beginnning to learn these Truths, and I no longer need to categorize them in the 'truth' category. I no longer believe or speculate the truth of these teachings, for I know without a doubt. My experiences have taught me that this is Truth. And through my experiences, I have been 'awakened to God' (Alma 5:7), and I have felt to 'sing the song of redeeming love' (Alma 5:26). As I strive to live up to the things I am learning, I pray I will continue to feel the desire to be better; the desire to reach my fullest potential.

Always,
Leone

This Is Me

Learning to love and accept ourselves is sometimes a difficult task. From the time we are born, we are generally loved and accepted by our family and our parents. As we grow older, we find friends and other people to spend time with and be around. This is the basic life of everyone who has ever, or will ever live upon this earth. But growing up requires learning, and often we are taught that if we are not exactly who or what we should be then we are wrong or inadequate. The world teaches women that we ought to be size 0 and flawless in every way. If we are religious, we are taught that we are to become perfect through Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. When we fall short of these expectations, we feel as though we have failed. I would like to address that in this blog, because I, like all of you, am human and continually fall short of the expectations I have placed on myself or grown up with.

I am a 29 year old LDS woman, and I struggle with depression, ADHD, anxiety, Bipolar 2, and addictions.  Also, I have recently been trying to rise from an incredibly challenging 'rock bottom'; one where I found myself in trouble because of a particularly unfortunate stint of weakness and loneliness. During these challenges, I have felt incredible guilt, shame, anger, and hopelessness. My soul has been dark and black at times, and light and happy at other times. Countless times I have been in so much pain that I have considered the most effective way to just...end. Today I find myself grateful for all those that have helped me and loved me through this journey-without them, I would not have come this far.

By way of further introduction, I have also found myself to be struggling with same gender attraction and a general unwillingness to trust men. The distrust began from an early age, and has not yet healed. In fact, the distrust has rather...expanded...to a very negative view of men, intimacy, and marriage. Throughout my life, I have in fact, found myself feeling closer to women then I think I will ever be to men. And yet, even in this, I find myself feeling unsettled and inadequate. This inadequacy comes from a feeling that I will never be able to enjoy what one might call a traditional  marriage, that I will never be able to be the mother that I want to be. How can I be a mother when I cannot love myself, let alone a man?

As I struggle through my feelings of inadequacy and discouragement, I would like to share my story and the light that comes from knowing that I am a daughter of God, and that somehow, some way, everything will eventually work out in the end. I am where I am today because my Heavenly Father has saved my life countless times, coming again and again to remind me that I am loved, and that the despair and hopelessness can be conquered, in and through Him who sent His Son to pay the price of the mistakes, shortcomings, loneliness, and otherwise stupid or unfortunate things that we humans have to go through. Not just mine, but yours, and everyone who has lived or will live upon His earth. My friends, God and Christ are real. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a gift He has given us so that we can have help with the hard times and the struggles. His Atonement is what allows us to become better in Him, and return to His home in Heaven. It is my hope that this blog will be of help to even one person somewhere out there, and assist in showing the great and glorious goodness of our Father and His Son.

Always,
Leone