A Special Soul

Yesterday was the 6 year anniversary of my biological brother"s funeral. It was also the 6 year anniversary of the day I found myself expecting a child-and in no position to care for one. As a result, it was also the 6 year anniversary of the day I hit my knees and poured my soul out to my Father in Heaven. I was lost, broken, scared, and confused. Somehow I knew that He could make it better even though I had been going through the motions for so long.  My brother, and that sweet child"s spirit, derailed me from a fast track to destruction. No, that didn't mean I was suddenly perfect, and I still am not. What it did mean was I learned how important I thought the LDS church was. Also it meant that if I was to ever be with my brother and my mother again, or have the opportunity to be the mom that little girl would deserve, I had to shape up my act. Sometimes our prayers are answered unexpectedly. But isn't that the beauty of agency, and our Heavenly Father's plan?

I have been thinking about my brother, and the little girl I may still have the chance to raise someday, all weekend. Daryl was 29, but had all the development of a 12 year old. As a result of a brain tumor that had to be removed when he was 2 years old, he was not expected to live to be 5. The doctor operating on him, though careful he was, accidentally hit pieces of Daryl's brain that were important for human growth and development. It was a miracle to my family that we were blessed by his presence for so long. Though he had challenges his whole life, he never once stopped to question why this had happened to him. Being limited by mental and physical struggles never held him back from believing that it would get better for him someday. And he was convinced that the same was true for everyone else in the world. To me, my big brother was the epitome of  love. He knew the Truth that all of us are children of Divine birthright, that our Heavenly Parents had created us for a reason and they would never abandon us. His pure and simple testimony of this could be seen throughout everything he did. Even in the last years of his life, and the last months where he couldn't speak or even feed himself. My brother never missed the opportunity to take the Sacrament, and he never let anyone pass him by without changing their lives forever in some way. That is the kind of life I imagine the Savior led as well, one that I am continually striving for. Christ walked the earth He helped to create, and never missed the chance to love, serve, and teach, even as He was nailed to His cross to give us the gift of Life. Each part of Daryl's life will always remind me of the pure love our Heavenly Father and Savior have for us, and I pray that I can show that same love in all that I do.

Along similar lines, though I have not yet met my little Ashleigh Marie, I believe that when I do I will feel that same love in her spirit. I hope to meet her here on earth someday, and that if I do, I will be ready to be the kind of mother she needs. And if I do not meet her until the next life, I hope that any future children will still benefit from the blessings of God when I have the opportunity to raise them.

So what is my point with this somewhat sappy memorial post? My point is that Christlike Love can change the world. It can change my world. I thought it had once, but I did not understand it then. True, I did shape up my life 6 years ago...long enough to get me to the temple because I thought that would solve all my problems in the world ever. When it did not solve all my problems, I gave up and let the world be my solace. Because that sounded like a really fabulous idea. The world didn't make me hurt as much as the church did. At least, that is what I thought then. Now I realize that what hurt was the shame and secrecy of my addictions and my temptations. What hurt was the feeling that I had let down my Father in Heaven-the one Being in my life that I had been taught would always be there. Why would He always be there if I kept doing the same stupid things that were evil and wrong and would disappoint Him? Who would stay around even though I kept pushing away?

Guys. We are not evil and bad if we screw up. Satan gets a kick out of making us feel otherwise, and he will keep us there as long as we let him. If Christ can break the bonds of death, what can He not do? What...mistake, sin, loneliness, or pain is so beneath Him that He cannot reach? And why do we let satan tell us He won't reach? I testify that there is nothing He cannot heal. 7 months ago I showed up at Utah County Jail to report for 48 days of time after making the one mistake I swore I would never make-because that mistake would make me a monster and it would make me exactly like my biological father, who I hated with a fiery passion. But I am sitting here now, typing this, in an entirely different state of mind. He has made me new-I have callings and a temple recommend and I can pray in church and serve in the Gospel the way He would want me to. Because He loves me, He has not abandoned me like I believed He would-He has been patiently waiting for me to return to Him. My desires have changed, my values have resurfaced, and I cannot-no, will not- leave Him again. Turning my back on Him is not an option, because I know where that road leads, and I do not want to go there again. I've been blessed so much by His love and His Spirit, and like my biological brother, I believe it will get better someday and that everyone deserves to be called sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. Everyone has worth and is important to Him, and He will never leave. Just because we are all a little broken doesn"t make us bad. Our Light will never abandon us if we stay close to Him. This I know now, and I will serve and love and teach however He needs me too. He means everything to me now, and I am finally beginning to really see how Christlike Love can change the world and make everyone new in Him.

Always,
Leone

Counting Blessings

Hello there. I finally got a new keyboard and some time to post. But of course now my fingertips are so dry that it hurts to be typing. I guess housekeeping will do that to you. But this is not a complaining place. Especially this post. This post is about gratitude. I've never been so grateful for anything as I have been recently. A few months ago, when I was facing a possible disfellowshipping, I began to contemplate where I was going in my life. And I also began to seriously figure out what I believed.

I depended heavily on gratitude during this introspection. If I tried to think about my life without being grateful, all it accomplished was destroying what little self-esteem and confidence I had built up. Some days all I could be grateful for was that I was alive and well. Other days I had many things to be grateful for. There were even some days where I thought there was nothing at all to be grateful for, ever. But, because I had some people that I had made myself accountable to for gratitude lists, I always tried to look for a silver lining, even when there appeared to be none. This exercise in gratitude encouraged me to see God's hand in my life and ponder where I would be without Him. Throughout this time, I started to feel like the more I Iooked for the silver linings, the more I saw them. An added benefit was that I began to see my core values and the foundations of my testimony that still remain unshaken, though I sometimes lose or misplace those foundations.

Each of the blessings and silver linings I have seen over the last few months have served to remind me almost daily about the priviledge it is to live. I still struggle with understanding my worth and why He sticks around and allows other people to stick around in my life, but I am grateful that He has shown me so many tender mercies.

I am no longer afraid of learning who I am and trying to reach my potential. One sure foundation of my testimony is that He is more important to me than any worldly pleasures. He is my rock, my salvation, and my Redeemer.  This cycle I have lived in in my past was...a way for me to cope with my struggles and the negative things I always tell myself. My mistakes made the negative self talk okay, justified me feeling the way I felt, and I enjoyed that...validation and justification. Because I felt like no one cared enough to validate my feelings, I had to find things that would validate and reinforce that I was a terrible person and deserved to rot in misery.

As I have been healing and drawing closer to Him, I am realizing that I do not need to define myself by my mistakes. My mistakes come from being in this mortal existence and help me to stretch and grow; they are the things that help me to find myself and become the person my soul was born to be-the person that matches the spirit I was in Heaven. Counting my blessings reminds me that He is there and wants to love me, help me, and guide me back to Him. And He wants me to turn to Him and to love Him. He knows who I truly am and wants to help me reach that potential and be able to return to Him. For me, the best part is that I don't have to lose that relationship with Him. Instead of being disfellowshipped and losing that, He has given me another chance to become better and rise over my trials and struggles with Him as my Light. I am grateful for that blessing.

Always,
Leone