Silver Lining

Hey guys.

Most of you don't know that I have been struggling with a bout of depression and loneliness recently and have slipped up a couple times and made some mistakes. But I have decided that I need to be open about it now because if I'm not, I will keep going down the path I don't want to be on.  During this bout, I had a pregnancy scare and smoked a few cigarettes. It's been a bit of a challenge to face the fact that I don't have very good coping skills for my depression. Even though I am on some depression meds, I still have times when the loneliness is overbearing, which ends up contributing to my depression. I know that I don't reach out near as often as I should in those times, and that if I would pray and study my scriptures it would be easier, but I think sometimes I like to stay in that dark space because I know it well.

Satan really likes to use that dark space to tell me I'm not good enough or that I'm not doing enough or being enough. It's one of his favorite tools. I don't take the time to recognize that until after I have made mistakes I didn't want to make. Yet once I realize that and examine my feelings, I can see the silver linings that God has been trying to show me. Mostly the silver linings are little things; a rainbow, a butterfly, a friend's foxtrotter foal or new puppy, or someone bringing me linger longer food even when I don't expect it. Sometimes though, the silver linings come in the form of a really neat experience at the temple or a new poem or a sweet note from a guest at the Homestead.

The point is, even in the dark the Lord tries to show us the light and reach out to us. He won't abandon us in our trials if we turn to Him and let Him in. Instead He will lift us and guide us and show us how to Be whole again. But we have to make the choice to let Him. The Lord can't really lift us if we don't want Him to. Though He will do all He can to reach us, we must be open to receiving His Love and His blessings. Even when it seems like our friends and Family are too busy or don't really have the time and energy to show they care, He can and will let us feel His Love if we turn to Him. That's one of the greatest blessings of the gospel, knowing that we are never alone no matter how much we think we are. I know He loves us and wants to be part of our lives, and I know that the more we remember that, the more we will see His hand on our lives. I'm so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven and a Brother that  understands and has been through everything we could ever face on this journey back to Them. If anything is worth living for, it's the knowledge that of we endure to the end we can live with Them in glory forever.

Always,
Leone

Memories and Testimony

Today I had the wonderful opportunity of traveling to Manti for a wedding. As we drove through Sanpete County I couldn't help but think back on the time I spent there. The things I learned and how I grew spiritually changed my life forever.

When I moved to Ephraim for school twelve years ago, I never dreamed that Institute would come to mean so much to me. Nor was I sure that I even wanted to be there. And yet, during my first year at Snow, institute was my safe haven. As was the Manti temple. Most days I was at the institute building when I wasn't in class. And most Sundays I spent the afternoon on the temple grounds. My poetry became more Christ centered as I sat on the beautiful grounds and as I spent one morning weekly doing baptisms. I felt my relationship with my Father and Brother grow stronger and I knew They were aware of me. The time I spent down at Snow was exactly what I needed and Heavenly Father knew that... regardless of how much I fought it the summer I graduated from high school. I've got journals full of Revelation and poetry that I wouldn't have otherwise, and a foundation that doesn't leave me even when I am struggling.

I lost sight of all of this a few years after moving home. In the midst of a depression that I couldn't shake, I forgot the things I held so dear in Sanpete county. Because I lost sight of these things, I traveled down a path full of struggle, trial, darkness, doubt, and fear. After going to meet someone I had been talking to online and being date raped, the spiral continued and I honestly thought I would never feel better. Though it Took me several years, I found my way back to the foundation that came from my time in Manti and was able to go through the temple. Of course, I chose the Manti temple to go through because in my mind it was the obvious choice for me. Now, years later, after several more trials, struggles, and periods of doubt, I was able to return again to Manti and be reminded of all the things that have happened for my testimony since then, and I will always be grateful that the Lord knows is each individually, and what we need in our lives.

The wedding experience today was amazing, and I am so proud of the decisions my sweet friend has made that have led her to her amazing eternal companion and a temple marriage. I hope that when I grow up I can also be married in the temple for eternity. I'm grateful for the experiences in my life that have strengthened my testimony and allowed me to be a part of her wedding. I'm sad that I was not able to attend other weddings today, but I would never change today's experiences and events.

Always,
Leone

Truth is. Yet still, lost in a fantasy.

Hey guys.

It's been a minute since I posted. I've had a couple of really hard months. Ever feel like you know what's true but you avoid it like the plague? That's kind of where I'm
At right now. Sometimes things seem to get better but in reality they are actually falling apart. New meaning to opposition in all things I suppose.

Truth is truth, but sometimes I want to be in my own world, dealing with the problems of the characters I write about. At least they defeat their enemies and their Goliaths. I feel like I will never be enough to defeat the things I struggle with. He helps, and the Atonement works toward defeating those things as well, but they always seem to crop up again. In a fantasy world, the hero fights through the darkness and once they defeat it, it never comes back for them. Pretty sure that is the main difference between fantasy and reality. Is it any wonder that I want to live in fantasy?

Really though, life is a struggle, and the struggle is hard and it hurts. And sometimes we feel like there is no point in life anymore and consider something that is a terrible option. I have a friend who took that option a couple weeks ago. When we can't see an end to the pain and suffering, suicide seems to be the only thing left. Reality is, suicide leaves a dark hole in the lives of people who love you. Love and support are key factors of trying to become better, and when we choose to be around those who love us instead of isolating, we are talking one tiny step out of the darkness.

For as many times as I have considered that option, there have been a thousand things and people that have been there to remind me that things will be ok. I want you all to know that I love you. And I know that God loves you too. You are worth so much more than you know, and you have helped me to understand my worth as well. Please don't let suicide be an option. If you are feeling dark and hopeless, know that I am here and that my life will meet be the same without you. Call me anytime you need me.

Always,
Leone

A Christlike Love

     Hey guys. I might get better at this blog thing someday, but for now, I guess a post every 2 or 3 months is where its at. Lol.  Really though, that is better than I used to do.
     Today I want to talk about Christlike love. Christlike love is a very powerful thing, and most of the time I dont feel like I deserve it. Especially because of all the things that have happened in my mortal journey of life. I am learning a lot about this love though. This love is pure and unconditional. He loves us even when we make mistakes. Though He does not love the mistake we make, He loves us because He knows who He created us to be, and we are His. The mistakes we make can either turn us back to Him or take us farther away. Even when we run away or try to hide, He still loves us, still waits with His arms open, gently inviting us to return to Him.
     Lately I have been seeing this love, well, everywhere. In my darkest moments when I was considering removing my name from the church, some special people entered my life and showed me this love. They didn't know it when they first started fellowshipping me, but I had decided there was no point in anything. After I removed my name from the church, there was going to be nothing keeping me around, because the life I was living then did not bring me happiness. So, I was planning my death. I had tons of ideas on how to do it, and was searching for more. My poetry was dark and suicidal, and I didn't care what happened. As my visiting teachers, these two could have just come to my house with a message on the last Sunday of the month, but they never did that. No, instead, they befriended me and loved me and included me in things, and never once told me they were my visiting teachers or even acted like they were there because I was a project for the Relief Society Presidency. Of course, once I learned that they were my visiting teachers, they did begin to give me spiritual messages, but only the ones where they asked me what my next step in my spiritual progression was. I will forever love these two because of how they showed me His love.
     My Hispanic coworkers are other people that have shown me how to live like Him. These ladies love everyone they meet and are so inclusive of everyone, and they are genuinely concerned about everyone's well-being. I adore them and their culture because they remind me of Him. Also, the people that I am closest to right now and consider my best friends, are people who are trying to live in His love, and trying to show that love to all. Sometimes even when the people they are loving don't want their love. But they never push that love on anyone. Instead, they let His love work through them and let His light shine in everything they do.
     Guys. This is how Christlike love works. I am so grateful that I get to see this in my life and that I am lucky enough to love these people that are epitomes of His love. Without them, I would not be here today. These angels have blessed my life in so many ways, and I hope that I can send those blessings forward.

Always,
Leone

A Special Soul

Yesterday was the 6 year anniversary of my biological brother"s funeral. It was also the 6 year anniversary of the day I found myself expecting a child-and in no position to care for one. As a result, it was also the 6 year anniversary of the day I hit my knees and poured my soul out to my Father in Heaven. I was lost, broken, scared, and confused. Somehow I knew that He could make it better even though I had been going through the motions for so long.  My brother, and that sweet child"s spirit, derailed me from a fast track to destruction. No, that didn't mean I was suddenly perfect, and I still am not. What it did mean was I learned how important I thought the LDS church was. Also it meant that if I was to ever be with my brother and my mother again, or have the opportunity to be the mom that little girl would deserve, I had to shape up my act. Sometimes our prayers are answered unexpectedly. But isn't that the beauty of agency, and our Heavenly Father's plan?

I have been thinking about my brother, and the little girl I may still have the chance to raise someday, all weekend. Daryl was 29, but had all the development of a 12 year old. As a result of a brain tumor that had to be removed when he was 2 years old, he was not expected to live to be 5. The doctor operating on him, though careful he was, accidentally hit pieces of Daryl's brain that were important for human growth and development. It was a miracle to my family that we were blessed by his presence for so long. Though he had challenges his whole life, he never once stopped to question why this had happened to him. Being limited by mental and physical struggles never held him back from believing that it would get better for him someday. And he was convinced that the same was true for everyone else in the world. To me, my big brother was the epitome of  love. He knew the Truth that all of us are children of Divine birthright, that our Heavenly Parents had created us for a reason and they would never abandon us. His pure and simple testimony of this could be seen throughout everything he did. Even in the last years of his life, and the last months where he couldn't speak or even feed himself. My brother never missed the opportunity to take the Sacrament, and he never let anyone pass him by without changing their lives forever in some way. That is the kind of life I imagine the Savior led as well, one that I am continually striving for. Christ walked the earth He helped to create, and never missed the chance to love, serve, and teach, even as He was nailed to His cross to give us the gift of Life. Each part of Daryl's life will always remind me of the pure love our Heavenly Father and Savior have for us, and I pray that I can show that same love in all that I do.

Along similar lines, though I have not yet met my little Ashleigh Marie, I believe that when I do I will feel that same love in her spirit. I hope to meet her here on earth someday, and that if I do, I will be ready to be the kind of mother she needs. And if I do not meet her until the next life, I hope that any future children will still benefit from the blessings of God when I have the opportunity to raise them.

So what is my point with this somewhat sappy memorial post? My point is that Christlike Love can change the world. It can change my world. I thought it had once, but I did not understand it then. True, I did shape up my life 6 years ago...long enough to get me to the temple because I thought that would solve all my problems in the world ever. When it did not solve all my problems, I gave up and let the world be my solace. Because that sounded like a really fabulous idea. The world didn't make me hurt as much as the church did. At least, that is what I thought then. Now I realize that what hurt was the shame and secrecy of my addictions and my temptations. What hurt was the feeling that I had let down my Father in Heaven-the one Being in my life that I had been taught would always be there. Why would He always be there if I kept doing the same stupid things that were evil and wrong and would disappoint Him? Who would stay around even though I kept pushing away?

Guys. We are not evil and bad if we screw up. Satan gets a kick out of making us feel otherwise, and he will keep us there as long as we let him. If Christ can break the bonds of death, what can He not do? What...mistake, sin, loneliness, or pain is so beneath Him that He cannot reach? And why do we let satan tell us He won't reach? I testify that there is nothing He cannot heal. 7 months ago I showed up at Utah County Jail to report for 48 days of time after making the one mistake I swore I would never make-because that mistake would make me a monster and it would make me exactly like my biological father, who I hated with a fiery passion. But I am sitting here now, typing this, in an entirely different state of mind. He has made me new-I have callings and a temple recommend and I can pray in church and serve in the Gospel the way He would want me to. Because He loves me, He has not abandoned me like I believed He would-He has been patiently waiting for me to return to Him. My desires have changed, my values have resurfaced, and I cannot-no, will not- leave Him again. Turning my back on Him is not an option, because I know where that road leads, and I do not want to go there again. I've been blessed so much by His love and His Spirit, and like my biological brother, I believe it will get better someday and that everyone deserves to be called sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. Everyone has worth and is important to Him, and He will never leave. Just because we are all a little broken doesn"t make us bad. Our Light will never abandon us if we stay close to Him. This I know now, and I will serve and love and teach however He needs me too. He means everything to me now, and I am finally beginning to really see how Christlike Love can change the world and make everyone new in Him.

Always,
Leone

Counting Blessings

Hello there. I finally got a new keyboard and some time to post. But of course now my fingertips are so dry that it hurts to be typing. I guess housekeeping will do that to you. But this is not a complaining place. Especially this post. This post is about gratitude. I've never been so grateful for anything as I have been recently. A few months ago, when I was facing a possible disfellowshipping, I began to contemplate where I was going in my life. And I also began to seriously figure out what I believed.

I depended heavily on gratitude during this introspection. If I tried to think about my life without being grateful, all it accomplished was destroying what little self-esteem and confidence I had built up. Some days all I could be grateful for was that I was alive and well. Other days I had many things to be grateful for. There were even some days where I thought there was nothing at all to be grateful for, ever. But, because I had some people that I had made myself accountable to for gratitude lists, I always tried to look for a silver lining, even when there appeared to be none. This exercise in gratitude encouraged me to see God's hand in my life and ponder where I would be without Him. Throughout this time, I started to feel like the more I Iooked for the silver linings, the more I saw them. An added benefit was that I began to see my core values and the foundations of my testimony that still remain unshaken, though I sometimes lose or misplace those foundations.

Each of the blessings and silver linings I have seen over the last few months have served to remind me almost daily about the priviledge it is to live. I still struggle with understanding my worth and why He sticks around and allows other people to stick around in my life, but I am grateful that He has shown me so many tender mercies.

I am no longer afraid of learning who I am and trying to reach my potential. One sure foundation of my testimony is that He is more important to me than any worldly pleasures. He is my rock, my salvation, and my Redeemer.  This cycle I have lived in in my past was...a way for me to cope with my struggles and the negative things I always tell myself. My mistakes made the negative self talk okay, justified me feeling the way I felt, and I enjoyed that...validation and justification. Because I felt like no one cared enough to validate my feelings, I had to find things that would validate and reinforce that I was a terrible person and deserved to rot in misery.

As I have been healing and drawing closer to Him, I am realizing that I do not need to define myself by my mistakes. My mistakes come from being in this mortal existence and help me to stretch and grow; they are the things that help me to find myself and become the person my soul was born to be-the person that matches the spirit I was in Heaven. Counting my blessings reminds me that He is there and wants to love me, help me, and guide me back to Him. And He wants me to turn to Him and to love Him. He knows who I truly am and wants to help me reach that potential and be able to return to Him. For me, the best part is that I don't have to lose that relationship with Him. Instead of being disfellowshipped and losing that, He has given me another chance to become better and rise over my trials and struggles with Him as my Light. I am grateful for that blessing.

Always,
Leone

On Vulnerability

Ok guys. I am about to get super real and personal, just warning you.

I have been thinking about my faith and my testimony lately. Being on the brink of a possible disfellowshipping will do that to you. I'm so afraid, guys. Afraid of who I am going to be without the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. And afraid of the person I have been in the past when I am not listening to or using the gift of the Holy Ghost. Is this what Alma refers to when he talks about being cut off?

This is such a funny thing for me to be freaking out about. On paper it honestly doesn't really seem like a big deal, especially considering that a year ago I was getting ready to request that my name be removed from the church records. At that time, there were so many things confusing the heck out of me, I felt like I would never be a 'typical Mormon' with a family and kids due to my struggle with same gender attraction, and I was losing myself piece by broken piece. There was honestly no point in going on the way things were. My world was full of a deep, cloudy darkness that could never change. Countless times I picked up pencil and paper, wrote out my goodbyes, and even planned my escape from it all. Once I even came across an old bottle of Oxycodone and stared at it for 2 weeks, debating whether or not that night would be the one that I took the whole bottle and eased my way out of my miserable existence.

Fortunately for me, I got myself in trouble and found my way back to my faith, but somehow I am still struggling with so many things. I know that being LDS does not just...suddenly fix everything, I just don't think I realized how hard it is for me to keep kicking the adversary to the curb. God is with me, but if I somehow lose His constant companionship, it might be the death of me. I can't just...go through the motions anymore like I have in the past. It isn't enough for me now. But I don't really know how to truly turn everything over to Him. Maybe one day I will learn how to be that vulnerable.

Always,

Leone