Ok guys. I am about to get super real and personal, just warning you.
I have been thinking about my faith and my testimony lately. Being on the brink of a possible disfellowshipping will do that to you. I'm so afraid, guys. Afraid of who I am going to be without the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. And afraid of the person I have been in the past when I am not listening to or using the gift of the Holy Ghost. Is this what Alma refers to when he talks about being cut off?
This is such a funny thing for me to be freaking out about. On paper it honestly doesn't really seem like a big deal, especially considering that a year ago I was getting ready to request that my name be removed from the church records. At that time, there were so many things confusing the heck out of me, I felt like I would never be a 'typical Mormon' with a family and kids due to my struggle with same gender attraction, and I was losing myself piece by broken piece. There was honestly no point in going on the way things were. My world was full of a deep, cloudy darkness that could never change. Countless times I picked up pencil and paper, wrote out my goodbyes, and even planned my escape from it all. Once I even came across an old bottle of Oxycodone and stared at it for 2 weeks, debating whether or not that night would be the one that I took the whole bottle and eased my way out of my miserable existence.
Fortunately for me, I got myself in trouble and found my way back to my faith, but somehow I am still struggling with so many things. I know that being LDS does not just...suddenly fix everything, I just don't think I realized how hard it is for me to keep kicking the adversary to the curb. God is with me, but if I somehow lose His constant companionship, it might be the death of me. I can't just...go through the motions anymore like I have in the past. It isn't enough for me now. But I don't really know how to truly turn everything over to Him. Maybe one day I will learn how to be that vulnerable.
Always,
Leone
